Intro :

30.12.14

Hy Mommies,
Seperti biasa selasa adalah resensi buku parenting. Buku kali ini adalah konsep parenting yang berasal dari Perancis, tapi uniknya di tulis berdasarkan pengamatan orang amerika.
Apakah kira-kira bisa cocok di terapkan oleh mommies kece indonesia di grup kijar ini? *bertanya a la Feni Rose.

Seperti biasa, tak ada orang yang membaca buku yang sama. Bagi yang berminat ebooknya.. sila ngabsen plus keterangan minta ebook yaaah.

Semoga menginspirasi!

-------------------------
Disclaimer :
1. Artikel berikut bisa di temukan di bentuk forum parenting lainnya. Artikel ini disebarkan dengan sumber yang disebutkan dengan tujuan berbagi informasi berharga.
2. Artikel berikut bisa jadi belum cocok untuk kondisi masing-masing keluarga namun memahami isi materi dengan baik bisa jadi sangat berguna di kemudian hari.
3. Dipersilahkan menyebarkan artikel dengan menyebutkan sumbernya.
4. Silahkan menyimpan artikel atau bisa mengunjungi blog Kijar ( on progress)
5. Di persilahkan untuk berkomentar dan bertanya atas isi materi untuk di diskusikan bersama-sama dengan bahasa yang hangat dan santun.

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SOURCE :

http://mommiesdaily.com/2013/05/01/bringing-up-bebe-membesarkan-anak-gaya-perancis/
Bringing Up Bébé: Membesarkan Anak Gaya Perancis

by: Vanshe

Saat sedang berjalan-jalan ke toko buku, tanpa sengaja saya melihat buku Bringing Up Bébé tersampir di rak. Buku ini familiar di telinga saya, karena pada beberapa kesempatan, saya menjumpai pujian dan juga ulasan tentang buku yang pernah masuk ke jajaran New York Times Bestseller ini.

Buku ini memuat kisah sang penulis, Pamela Druckerman, seorang berkebangsaan Amerika Serikat (AS), yang kebetulan tinggal di Paris, Perancis, setelah menikah. Setelah melahirkan putrinya yang pertama, ia menyadari bahwa perilaku anaknya berbeda dari anak-anak Perancis yang ia temui di tempat-tempat umum seperti restoran, atau playground.

Ketika sedang makan di restoran, anak-anak Perancis mau duduk di highchair dengan tenang, menunggu dengan sabar  satu demi satu hidangan mulai dari pembuka hinggadesert, dan mereka dengan lahap memakan ikan dan sayuran! Pamela merasa takjub, dan bertanya “How do these Frenchs do that?”

Orang-orang Perancis yang ia kenal juga tidak pernah terburu-buru memutus percakapan di telepon hanya karena anaknya menuntut sesuatu. Mereka juga tidak mengubah ruangan di rumahnya menjadi penuh dengan mainan anak.

Beranjak dari situ, ia memulai observasinya atas “what French people do differently” dan menuangkannya di buku ini.

Beberapa hal yang Druckerman temukan, dan menurut saya sangat berharga untuk mejadi insight kepada para ibu di manapun di antaranya,

Sementara kelas menengah di AS mengalami masalah parentingberupa ‘overparentinghyperparenting‘, yang didasari pemahaman bahwa anak-anak adalah mahluk yang rapuh baik dari fisik maupun mental, parenting di Perancis didasari oleh prinsip menyeimbangkan peran.

Bagaimana maksudnya? Hal yang berbeda terjadi di Perancis, para orang tua melakukan pengasuhan tanpa kehilangan identitas. Sudut pandang yang dipakai adalah bagaimana mencapai keseimbangan antara peran sebagai ibu, istri, dan pribadi.

Terkait dengan poin pertama, orang Perancis percaya, dan menerapkan, batasan.

Mereka percaya bahwa bahkan sejak bayi, anak-anak adalah mahluk rasional yang bisa melatih self-control. Batasan itu bahkan diperlukan oleh anak agar mereka tahu apa yang diharapkan dari dirinya.Di sini, Druckerman membeberkan dengan detil penerapan batasan untuk anak dalam dalam sleep training, jadwal makan, dan ritual keluarga. Dengan memercayai bahwa bayi memahami segalanya, termasuk batasan, secara tidak langsung itu memberikan kepercayaan diri kepada anak, dan membantu menyusun irama pengasuhan yang cocok dan saling menghargai antara anak dan orang tua.

Perempuan Perancis juga tidak merasa bersalah atas segala hal. Sementara perempuan AS seolah memercayai bahwa seiring dengan kehamilan, juga tiba segenap pe-eryang harus dikerjakan dengan sempurna.

Hal ini dijelaskan melalui pengalaman Druckerman sendiri, yang ketika menyadari bahwa ia hamil, segera membeli begitu banyak buku dan membaca situs tentang kehamilan. Dari buku-buku dan situs-situs Amerika itu, ia mendapat begitu banyak informasi sekaligus daftar panjang “what to do and not to do.“Sementara temannya perempuan Perancis berkata, “These books can be useful to people who lack confidence, but I don’t think you can raise a child while reading a book. You have to go with your feeling.”

Teman yang sama juga bercerita bahwa dokter kandungannya tidak melarang ia memakan apapun, selama dalam batas wajar.

Terkait dengan makan-memakan, Druckerman juga menyoroti bagaimana “French women don’t get fat.” Bahkan ketika hamil, rata-rata perempuan Perancis seperti tidak terlihat sedang hamil jika dilihat dari belakang. Druckerman melihat bahwa perempuan Perancis memiliki support system berupa keluarga dan teman yang dengan terbuka mengulang-ulang pesan bahwa kehamilan tidak berarti akses bebas untuk makan dengan porsi berlebih. Wanita hamil harus makan dengan porsi ‘balanced meals‘ yang sama dengan orang dewasa lain. ‘Food craving‘ atau ngidam juga dianggap sebagai gangguan yang harus dikalahkan.

Membaca buku yang disebut Druckerman sebagai memoar ini, membuat saya sadar bahwa selama ini, gaya parenting di Indonesia terasa sangat ‘berkiblat’ ke AS. Tidak hanya karena beberapa kutipan membuat saya tertawa dalam hati karena terasa sangat familiar ditemui selama saya sendiri hamil lantas menjadi ibu. Tapi juga karena buku-buku kehamilan dan parentingyang banyak beredar di Indonesia, serta situs yang kerap dipakai sebagai referensi, berasal dari AS. Padahal metode parentingdi AS tidak bebas masalah, seperti yang Druckerman paparkan di buku ini.

Namun, buku ini tidak serta-merta mencap buruk metode parenting ala AS. Sebagai orang tua dan “konsumen” ilmu parenting, alangkah baiknya jika kita mulai melirik metode parenting dari belahan negara lain dengan kulturnya yang berbeda. Seperti saya, yang telah menemukan banyak hal dan cara pandang baru ketika membaca buku ini.

“To be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.” – Pamela Druckerman, Bringing Up Bébé.

*gambar dari sini dan sini

Intro :

29.12.14

Hy Mommies,
Artikel kali ini ditujukan untuk para mommies yang menunggu kelahiran anak ke 2, yang sudah memiliki dua anak atau yang masih mikir-mikir kapan nambah lagi hehehe..

Semoga menginspirasi!

-------------------------
Disclaimer :
1. Artikel berikut bisa di temukan di bentuk forum parenting lainnya. Artikel ini disebarkan dengan sumber yang disebutkan dengan tujuan berbagi informasi berharga.
2. Artikel berikut bisa jadi belum cocok untuk kondisi masing-masing keluarga namun memahami isi materi dengan baik bisa jadi sangat berguna di kemudian hari.
3. Dipersilahkan menyebarkan artikel dengan menyebutkan sumbernya.
4. Silahkan menyimpan artikel atau bisa mengunjungi blog Kijar ( on progress)
5. Di persilahkan untuk berkomentar dan bertanya atas isi materi untuk di diskusikan bersama-sama dengan bahasa yang hangat dan santun.

---------------------------

SOURCE :
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/

Saya baru saja mendarat di LAX (Los Angeles) dan sedang menunggu pengambilan bagasi ketika saya mendengar ada suara-suara bernada amarah. Saya melihat ke tempat bagasi lain yang tidak begitu jauh jaraknya dan melihat seorang gadis tiga atau empat tahun mengenakan leging bermotif cerah dengan trendi t-shirt dan kacamata plastik berwarna pink, dia tampaknya sedang mencari-cari sesuatu dalam ransel polkadotnya sementara ayahnya melotot padanya dan membentak 'Baik-baik dong! Yang baik sama adiknya!!"

Ibunya berdiri beberapa meter yang juga melotot padanya sambil menggendong adik bayinya (sekitar 12 bulan). Gadis kecil itu tetap tenang, tapi menghindari tatapan mata ke dua orangtuanya. Dia tampak sendirian dan rapuh :(

Jika cuplikan adegan sesaat ini sering terjadi pada keluarganya, sulit untuk memahami gadis kecil ini pernah merasakan apa pun selain kebencian terhadap adik bayinya.

Kehadiran bayi baru seringkali menjadi peristiwa paling traumatik dalam kehidupan anak-anak dan jika transisi ini tidak ditangani dengan sensitivitas dan empati, beberapa anak tidak akan pernah benar-benar menemukan pijakan hidup mereka kembali. Karena yang dipertaruhkan adalah hubungan yang sehat dengan kedua orang tua dan saudara kandungnya, serta rasa aman dan harga diri yang di milikinya.

Berikut adalah beberapa poin penting yang perlu diingat selama melalui masa penyesuaian yang sulit itu :

1. Have reasonable expectations

Kehadiran seorang bayi yang baru menyebabkan perubahan besar dalam dinamika keluarga. Tidak peduli seberapa sering anak pertama 'meminta' seorang adik, realitas pergeseran dalam perhatian dan kasih sayang kedua orangtuanya membuat anak-anak merasa sangat kehilangan. Anak-anak sering merasa gusar, sedih dan kadang-kadang marah atau merasa bersalah, tetapi kebanyakan mereka takut kehilangan cinta orang tua mereka.
Kewalahan karena campuran emosi yang kacau balau, yang hampir tidak mungkin bagi anak-anak untuk memahami (apalagi menterjemahkan perasaannya), mereka bertindak mengeluarkan rasa sakit mereka melalui perilaku menjengkelkan yang kadang-kadang agresive. Perubahan emosinya juga bisa sangat ekstrem.

Orang tua mungkin akan terkejut ketika menemukan sisi 'tidak menyenangkan' anak mereka (yang mereka pikir tidak ada sebelumnya), terutama jika orangtua mengharapkan sang kakak menjadi penuh kasih, memuja adik bayinya dan semangat menolong adik bayi selama penyesuain awal. Perilaku-perilaku ini terjadi untuk menarik perhatian orang tua, terlebih karena anak mengalami krisis emosional, yang sangat dia butuhkan adalah jaminan cinta dan empati dari orangtuanya.

2. Encourage children to express feelings

Ada beberapa cara penting yang orang tua dapat ajarkan untuk membantu anak-anak mengekspresikan perasaan mereka dengan cara yang lebih sehat:

a. Ketika anak-anak berinteraksi dengan bayi - mencium atau menepuk bayi terlalu keras atau melompat-lompat di tempat tidur di sampingnya - Dengan tetap tenang tapi percaya diri katakanlah batasannya ("Ibu tidak bisa membiarkan kakak ..."),
Orang tua dapat bertanya sungguh-sungguh tanpa basa-basi, "Kakak merasa gemas sama adek bayi ya? Atau kakak marah ada adik bayi di sini? Memang kalau jadi kakak sering merasa begitu, tapi Ibu akan tetap bantu kakak turun dari tempat tidur yah? Ibu lebih senang kalau kakak duduk di pangku Ibu atau melompat-lompat di lantai, di sebelah ibu"

b.  Santai membicarakan masalah perasaan negatif sesering mungkin: "Menjadi kakak sangat sulit kadang-kadang. Itu normal untuk marah pada bayi atau ibu atau ayah, merasa sedih, cemas atau hanya ingin marah2 dan tidak tahu karena apa. Kalau kakak merasakan hal itu, kasih tahu ibu yah. Ibu akan selalu mengerti, mencintai dan akan membantu kakak melewatinya. "

Ini mungkin terasa berlawanan menyarankan perasaan ini kepada anak Anda (apakah hal ini tidak akan mendorong dia untuk merasa negatif terhadap bayi?). Kenyataannya adalah bahwa semakin Anda terbuka dapat menerima dan mengakui, bahkan menyambut pikiran dan emosi negatif anak Anda, semakin banyak ruang bagi Anda untuk membentuk ikatan yang benar-benar penuh kasih dengan saudara mereka.

3. But why mention negatives when my child seems fine?

Beberapa anak tampaknya mudah-mudah saja beradaptasi dengan kehadiran 'adik baru' Mengapa kita  harus repot-repot  memproyeksikan masalah yang tidak ada? Pandangan saya, bahwa anak-anak yang tampaknya lebih menerima dan toleran terhadap perubahan hidup yang besar ini membutuhkan lebih banyak dorongan untuk mengungkapkan perasaan negatif daripada mereka yang terang-terangan berjuang melewatinya. Tidak peduli seberapa positif sebuah perubahan akan selalu ada unsur ketakutan dan kehilangan. Kita semua pun begitu. Jika perasaan ini tidak ditangani dan di ekspresikan, perasaan-perasaan itu terpendam di dalam. Anda mungkin memiliki anak berperilaku baik, tetapi kemungkinan besar dia mengalami pergulatan batin dalam hatinya.

4. Avoid guilt-inducing comments

Ketika orang tua menunggu kelahiran bayi ke dua, teman dan kerabat akan sering berkomentar kepada anak sulung, "waah, pasti ga sabar untuk jadi seorang kakak yaa!" Tetapi pada saat itu sudah mulai terbangun rasa down pada anak yang lebih tua dimana kata 'kakak' tidak terdengar sebagai kata yang bagus. Mereka merasa bahwa fokus perhatian semua orang telah bergeser jauh dari mereka. Masa depan mereka merasa tidak pasti dan hanya akan bertambah buruk. Mereka membutuhkan seseorang yang memahami dan dapat meyakinkan mereka bahwa perasaan campur aduk mereka (terutama yang negatif) tidak akan jadi masalah sama sekali, atau mereka akan memendam perasaan 'kacau' ini di dalam hatinya.

5. Don’t judge Again,

Adanya harapan terhadap perilaku baik anak-anak dalam masa penyesuaian adalah manifestasi dari rasa sakit dan kebingungan anak kita. Ketika kita melabeli perilaku "tidak baik", "jahat" atau "buruk", anak-anak serius mengambil kata-kata ini secara pribadi ke dalam hatinya. Ini bukan hanya perilaku mereka yang buruk - mereka benar-benar jadi buruk. Ketika orang-orang yang mereka percaya dan paling dibutuhkan di dunia mengatakan bahwa mereka "tidak baik", mereka percaya, dan penolakan ini tertanam dalam.

6. Lessen tension by not sweating the small stuff

Anak kedua lahir dalam lingkungan yang berbeda dibandingkan dengan kakak atau adiknya. Memiliki kakak memang menarik. Jadi sebisa mungkin, Biarkan terjadi keramaian dan sedikit kekacauan, dan biarkan terjadi interupsi saat bayi bermain. Biarkan kakak mengambil mainan dari bayi ketika mereka "bermain bersama" selama aman secara fisik.
Memahami bahwa ini adalah bagian dari impulse perasaan lebih kuat dan simbolik dari persaingan anak yang lebih tua. Kebanyakan bayi tidak keberatan mainan di ambil dari mereka kecuali orang tua mereka sibuk melarang-larang kakaknya.
Bahkan, ini adalah salah satu cara mereka "bermain" dengan anak yang lain. Semakin sedikit reaksi anda berfokus pada perilaku yang tidak berbahaya, kurang menarik untuk anak yang lebih tua untuk mengulanginya.

7. Understand your child’s need for trust and autonomy 

Meminta bantuannya bila memungkinkan, terutama mengenai perawatan bayi. Ketika emosi anak berada di luar kendali, kesempatan untuk merasa mandiri memiliki efek menenangkan. Tapi juga jangan kecewa jika anak Anda ternyata tidak memenuhi harapan anda, karena mengatakan "tidak" juga merupakan cara untuk untuknya merasa mandiri.

8. One-on-one time

Periode waktu "hanya berdua" dengan anak-anak Anda adalah suatu keharusan, namun bagi bayi dan kakaknya adalah tentang kualitas, bukan kuantitas. Sisihkan setidaknya 20 menit sehari di mana Anda sepenuhnya hadir dan terfokus pada anak Anda yang lebih tua (yang mungkin berarti anda harus menidurkan bayi lebih awal). Kemudian, ketika Anda perlu fokus pada bayi,  Anda dapat dengan tenang mengakui, " Ibu bisa lihat bagaimana kakak tidak nyaman ketika ibu menyusui adik. Ibu tahu, ini sulit buat kakak. Ibu sangat menantikan waktu kita bersama malam ini setelah adek bayi bobo. Pikirkan tentang apa yang ingin kakak lakukan bersama ibu.. main apa ya kira2 kita nanti?"

9 foster the baby independent play

Seorang bayi yang bisa menghibur dirinya sendiri adalah anugerah yang kedua (setelah kelahirannya), karena bermain independennya akan menciptakan tersedianya peluang bagi orang tua untuk anak yang lebih tua tanpa harus selalu ada adik bayi di antara mereka.

Sediakan tempat yang aman, ruang bermain (tempat tidur atau kotak bermainnya-playpen akan baik-baik saja untuk bulan pertama), sehingga bayi tidak perlu pengawasan konstan. Balita Anda mungkin akan membutuhkan aturan ini, karena dorongan unyuk mengetes orangtua dengan mengganggu adik bayi bisa jadi sangat kuat, sibukkan sang kakak dengan bermain bersama anda. Selama adik bayi kooperatif dan dalam keadaan yang memungkinkan.

10. 
Respect your children’s continued need for boundaries and calm, helpful parents who are “on their side”

Meskipun besarnya kasih sayang atau perasaan bersalah mungkin menyebabkan kita untuk memudahkan aturan/batasan selama periode transisi dan kekacauan emosional ini,  anak-anak kita membutuhkan cinta dan rasa aman lebih dari sebelumnya. Mereka akan membutuhkan kita untuk memberi mereka peringatan seperti, "Ibu tidak ingin kakak menyentuh bayi ketika kakak berada dalam suasana hati yang gelisah ";
memberikan pilihan seperti, "kakak dapat tinggal di sebelah ibu dengan tenang,  sementara Ibu ngelonin adik bayi supaya bobo, atau kakak bisa bermain di ruang sebelah."
Kadang-kadang mereka membutuhkan kita untuk menindaklanjuti dengan lembut tapi tegas untuk sebuah instruksi dalam situasi terentu. Yang paling krusial, mereka akan membutuhkan kita untuk campur tangan jauh sebelum kita kehilangan kendali atau berpikir bahwa mereka "tidak baik" dan dengan semua keyakinan, ketenangan, kesabaran dan empati yang kita bisa kerahkan, akhirnya masa transisi ini bisa terlewati dengan baik.

How can I get my 2.5 year old son to be more independent? He is my sidekick, my errand running buddy, and we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company.  That being said, he seems incapable of doing anything without me right by his side, and honestly, it can get a bit frustrating. Am I asking too much of him at his stage of development?”I keep getting on his level and telling him that Mama needs to get some work done and that it’s his time to play, and when I’m done I will be able to play with him.  He seems to get to a point where he’s desperate for my attention and just keeps asking why I can’t play, or says “Mama play with me, Mama when can you play, etc.”  I almost feel as if we’re getting to a tough love approach, where I will have to impose “independent play time” each day so he’ll eventually learn how to play alone.  – Concerned Mom

Ah, the entertainment trap. It is such an easy one for doting parents to fall into, especially with the firstborn child. I would definitely have gone this route myself if my baby hadn’t sent me a profound and pivotal message in our first RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class together.

For the first three months of my daughter’s life, I’d been entertaining her nonstop, assuming it my duty to occupy and engage her every waking moment with my activity while she remained mostly passive (which is all I thought she could be). Then, following my RIE instructor’ssuggestion, I placed her on her back on a blanket on the floor…and to my astonishment she lay there perfectly content for the two hour duration of the class.

My daughter’s message could not have been more crystal: Please stop keeping my mind so busy, Momma. I need a little time to think. 

Taking that giant step back to  my baby was the ticket to an exciting adventure, because I was then able to begin to know and enjoy my daughter while also witnessing the physical, cognitive, creative and therapeutic benefits of her play.

But even if we do get the memo about trusting our babies to be capable, active learners and allowing them some time to “be”, the toddler years present a whole new challenge. Toddlers are in the process of gaining independence and discovering their power. They are supposed to keep pushing until they find our limits – testing what it takes to make us jump and how high. This is not being “bad” — they’re just doing their job.

Taken at face value, our toddler’s age appropriate demands might lead us to conclude, “My child obviously needs me desperately and can’t possibly play alone!” As parents, we may also be reticent to assert our own needs and wishes, because we want to avoid confronting our child’s strong emotions. Either way, we can end up causing our children to “unlearn” to play and decrease their tolerance for boredom.

Here are some key steps to freeing children (and ourselves) from play and entertainment dependencies:

1. Learn a less intrusive way to play togetherLittle-known fact: when we sit quietly and are passive, yet receptive and attentive to our children while they play, they feel just as nurtured by our companionship (if not more so) than they do when we are actively involved.  It is a profoundly validating experience for children to be able to hold our interest without having to ask or work for it. Without a word of our praise, our appreciation is palpable.

When adults play with children in the conventional sense, we almost always end up directing, dominating, or at least altering the course of action somewhat. We also tend to “hook” children on our involvement, which makes their transition to solo play a more difficult, almost foreign concept.

Learning to be a play “supporter” rather than playmate takes practice, entails sensitive observation, open-mindedness, acceptance and, most of all, restraint (especially for those more inclined to do than watch). But once we get this down, it is an incredibly relaxing, satisfying, Zen-like experience.

When and how should we respond so as not to interrupt self-directed play? We simply take cues from our kids,  them to request our input, which they usually do by looking at us or expressing themselves verbally. Then we respond by narrating or “sportscasting” succinctly.

For example, let’s say our child is stacking blocks and the blocks tumble. If she doesn’t look towards us, it’s probably best not to say anything or even assume that this is a problem. If she does look toward us, or perhaps we hear her groan, we would then narrate (or “sportscast”): “I saw that. When you tried to put the red block on the top, the green and blue ones fell down.”

What if my child asks for help?Never say no to a request for help, but ask lots of questions and assist as minimally as possible. Using the block tower example, you might go close to your child and ask, “What are you trying to do?”

“I want to make a tower.”

“You have the blue and yellow blocks stacked here, what block will you use next?”

“That one.”

“Okay, so let’s see how you’ll place that green one on top of the yellow one…”

Usually, this type of support is all the help children need.

2.  Set limits with confidence, honesty and respect“I almost feel as if we’re getting to a tough love approach, where I will have to impose “independent play” time each day so he’ll eventually learn how to play alone.”

If it were even possible to force independent play, that would defeat the entire purpose. Play isn’t play unless it’s a choice. But it is up to us to quit our job as entertainment director, get our personal work done, etc., and I certainly don’t see this as “tough love”. The child who whines, “Mama play with me, Mama when can you play” is only doing his job, seeking a straight answer from us about our limits. In return, our role is to:

: “I am going to do some things in the kitchen” (Remember, our children can’t  possibly feel comfortable separating unless we are)

: “Would you like to help me shuck the corn or will you play in your room?”

: “Oh, I know you want me to keep playing with you. I see how upset you are. We can do that again after dinner. “

 so that separation is easier for your child to accept.

3

The more time children spend in passive-receptive mode, the less adept and comfortable they will be playing independently. So…

Avoid screen use or keep it to a bare minimum

Offer simple toys and objects that make for more active, creative play

Instead of offering specific play activities, wait for children to invent their own

Have no fear of boredom

Let whatever children choose to do (or not do) be “enough”

:

The more we do (or toys do)…

        the less our child does        the more our child thinks she needs us (or toys) to do for him        the less confident, capable, creative and fulfilled she feels

TEACHING TODDLERS CONSEQUENCES FOR THEIR CHOICES

BY KARA CARRERO LEAVE A COMMENT

My daughter has been 2 for three weeks now and it’s as if someone let her know that being two meant acting differently. Literally, it feels like a switch went off in her and now each day contains power struggles, meltdowns, and choices. Lots of choices. In the journey to foster her independence over the past several months, I have always given choices. But just like in real life, no matter our age, there are consequences for the choices we make. And teaching a toddler consequences for their choices is not easy.

HOW CONSEQUENCES FACILITATE EMOTIONAL LEARNING & WELL-BEING

While I constantly strive for peaceful parenting, it does not mean that there aren’t punishments or hard lessons to be learned. I feel like it is a dis-service to my children if they do not experience disappointment or if they do not realize that their choices directly dictate an outcome whether good or bad.

Part of raising children is preparing them for the world and life on their own by equipping them with the skills necessary to both succeed and cope with failures. In the real world that I have experienced, it’s full of disappointment, consequences, getting told no, and doing things I would rather not. And that’s life. Therefore, equipping my child with the wherewithal to handle that is vital. So to help encourage my daughter’s independence and to foster her emotional intelligence as well, I want to parent her in a way that she knows she is loved and I believe in her, but that she also knows what it’s like to fail or to make the wrong decision.

My middle school History teacher and mentor had a poster in her room that read “failure is not fatal”. As a perfectionist, I remember thinking in 6th grade that she clearly did not know that to me it seemed so that that it felt like mistakes were killing me from the inside. And to be honest, I have never emotionally conquered the concept of failure; even small mess ups sometimes feel like the end of the world. And far too often I waver in my own decision making because I don’t like living with even the small consequences.

That trait is not something I want to pass on to my daughter.

I want her to feel like she can conquer the world because she is capable, I want her to be able to let the little things roll off her shoulder, and I want her to be confident in her decision making regardless of the outcome. And that’s a HUGE part of both helping her cope with consequences and fostering a firm and independent spirit in her.

FOSTERING INDEPENDENCE IN CHILDREN THROUGH CHOICES

The strong-will that she has comes to her naturally and therefore her desire for for independence can sometimes be a challenge. But letting her “yes” be her “yes” and her “no” be her “no” allows her to learn what it means to stand by her decision.

So when she very clearly and adamantly chose to go barefoot in 40 degree weather and it made her feet cold, she had to stand by that decision. We talked about why it was a bad choice and then I asked her if she wanted to go back in to get shoes and socks. Of course she did. So we quickly marched back inside to help her prepare herself for the chilly weather.

Options are a part of being independent and every toddler desires to be able to choose what they want. Therefore, my husband and I constantly will give her options. She can choose what she wants to eat, choose what she wants to wear, and choose what she wants to do. However, we very clearly tell her, especially in disciplining moments, that she needs to think about it and make the right decision. Of course the “right decision” is not always the one she makes or she changes her mind and gets upset about it. Then we talk about how she should remember that for next time so she can make better decision.

Yesterday it was about not wearing shoes outside in the cold, today it was about food, and tomorrow it may be about taking a bath. They are small things in the grand picture of her life, but they are teaching her real skills about decision making and consequences. They are little incidences that build big character. So when she is faced with the really tough stuff as she gets older, she has already experienced both good and bad decision making. She knows she has to think it through and that she has to weigh consequences- both good and bad.

BUT WHY IS TEACHING TODDLERS CONSEQUENCES IMPORTANT?

When she is older and she has to make hard decisions, I pray that she can make them confidently. I pray that she will not waver because she is afraid of consequences, but that she will have learned to make bold choices after careful thought. I pray that teaching her consequences now will better her in the future and enable her to feel more confident in who she is.

When she experiences failure or disappointment, I hope she can handle it with stability and not feel like it’s the end of the world.When her friends are doing something that she feels is not right, my hope is that she will not blindly follow, but she will have the forethought to see what consequence may be ahead of her.When she encounters pre-marital sex, I pray that she will not feel pressured, but confident to stand by her decisions.When she has a big decision and makes it and then it doesn’t turn out as planned, I hope she has the emotional stamina to pull herself up and not feel defeated.When she is faced with defending what she believes and her faith, my desire for her is that she will not hesitate or be ashamed in any circumstance.When she experiences rejection, I pray that she knows that was not her choice and it will just inspire her to be even better and more confident.

Most importantly… when she gets older and experiences pains, heartaches, and consequences… and when she makes poor decisions… and when I am disappointed in any of the choices she has made… my prayer is that she knows I will be there for her, that I will talk her through it, and that I will stand beside her.

So today I may have had to coach her through eating a green bean because of a choice she made, but in the future I may have to help her through something much bigger and more important. In any incidence, despite any disappointment or frustration on my part, the message to my daughter is that actions have consequences, but I am always there and she is always loved and supported.

It can be incredibly hard to stay calm when our own children hit us. Both our instinctual physical defense system and intense emotions can get triggered in a flash!

I remember the period when one of my children hit me almost every day; I became scared of him, trying to steer clear of where he was. We know that children can feel it when we pull away so although it can feel hard to do, the key to reducing hitting is to connect more with our aggressive child.

Here are ten steps to reducing hitting behaviour in your children:

The first thing to do when our child hits us is to FREEZE.

Remembering our calm-down plan can feel impossible when we are hit. The feeling of pain will automatically trigger the “reptilian brain,” which is the part that makes our heart pound, breathing quicken and stomach flip. It is common to think that our child is out to get us. This part of our brain can hijack our good reason, making us scream or be rough with our child.

We need to take time to calm our fight-or-flight reaction, then help our child do the same. My calm-down plan in this case is to tell myself, “freeze sister” and then I count back from 11 to -1 by 2s (this odd number makes it easier for the brain to focus more on counting and less on shouting). It’s okay if you have to step into another room to regroup, as long as your child is safe.

Stop your child from hitting you, others or objects.

I grab my child’s arm when I see a hit headed my way. I do that firmly, yet gently and say, “No hitting. I will make sure you don’t hurt anyone.”

Remind yourself that your child is having a hard time “self-regulating.”

Self-regulation is our ability to assess a situation, which we find overwhelming and respond in a way that helps us calm down. John Hoffman wrote this wonderful document about self-regulation, which I suggest all parents read.

Respond thoughtfully with a limit statement.

Get to eye-level with your child and speak to her in a gentle voice. First comment by setting limits for your child’s behaviour by using a statement that includes:

1.     How you feel

2.     Validations of her feelings

3.     Explanation that the behaviour is unacceptable.

Something like this, “My arm is sore… you hurt me. I can see that you are angry. I won’t let you hurt me or anyone else. Hitting people is not okay.”

Consider where the hit came from.

Take a moment to ask yourself, What happened in her world to prompt the hit?

Is she: Disappointed? Upset that plans have changed? Not going to get something she really wants? In a compromised state? Missing you? Feeling you are too hard on her?

Identifying the source of the hit will tell you what the first feeling is. Anger/frustration is the second feeling, which likely provoked the hit.

Help your child identify the first feeling.

Use empathy to help your child work on the feelings behind the hit. For example, if your child hit you because she was sad her friend couldn’t come over, shine a light on that emotion. Talk about how you would feel like this, “I understand you are sad because Anna couldn’t come over. I feel sad, too, when I am excited to play but can’t.”

Accept if you have had a bad parenting moment and your child is angry with you.

If you did something that may have angered your child, talk to her about that situation. I wrote more about how do that in this piece, How To Do Parent-Child Relationship Repair.

Make it safe for your child to feel the first feeling.

When a parent is calm, understanding and patient, it is easier for a child to connect with the intense feelings inside her. Keep chatting with your child about the situation, focusing on feeling words. Once your child feels you are there for her and not going to make her feel badly, she will likely become sad, which is the usual culprit for hits.

Be a detective, asking questions about what is upsetting her, although steer away from “why” questions with younger children, as they don’t usually have answers to that even if the reason for the hit is apparent to you.

Talk about “mixed feelings

This is when you use a statement to explain to your child that it is okay to be angry, but at the same time, you know that hitting a person hurts him/her and that is NOT okay.

Make a plan to stop the hits next time.

With younger children, I use the term “angry bubbles” like this, “Next time you are full of angry bubbles and they turn your mad into mean, what can you do to make sure those bubbles don’t form into a hit? Let’s make a plan.”

With a toddler, try, “Hits are for pillows, not people,” or “No hitting, hurting, or throwing.” You can make a poster and draw symbols for those words. I explain more about how to react to toddler hitting in this piece, as it is a natural instinct to hit, and our job as parents to calmly train them not to. 

With older children, you could talk about how the brain works, specifically how to reel in the reptilian brain when it hijacks us. Consider different options to stopping the hits/throws/shouts that will actually work. Remember that this is a work in progress so keep repeating this process until the brain builds the bridge between the “freaking out” part of the mind to the rational part.

Here is an excellent example of a script to use when an older child hits by Laura Markham, PhD.

- See more at: http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-connect-four-parenting/20141007/what-to-do-when-our-child-hits-us#sthash.gcLVnwXI.dpuf

When No Doesn't Mean No - Guest Post by Kelly Bartlett

Guest Post by Kelly Bartlett from Parenting From Scratch.

The word "No" can make a terrible first impression.

Sometimes it just doesn't convey everything it intends. Especially if it comes from a young child: it's not quite as literal as it seems.

Upon first impression, "No!" sounds like:

I refuse.I won't listen.I'm defying you.I don't respect you.

Those are usually our first thoughts upon being toldNo by our children. It's a feeling, an impression that rubs us the wrong way. We bristle at the blatant defiance.

Except you know how laughter doesn't mean a child is laughing at you (unless you're my goofy and highly entertaining husband), but is more of an expression of immense enjoyment and agreeability? It's a manifestation of all the happiness they're feeling in that moment.

A shouted No is like the opposite of that. It's the unpleasant feelings and unmet needs surfacing verbally in the easiest language available. No.

If we can take a minute to translate the No into what's behind it, where it's coming from, what it really means...

I don't like this.I'm angry.I disagree.I'm sad.I don't want to.I'm frustrated.I don't need help.I'm disappointed.I would really rather be doing something else.I'm autonomous and need to make my own choices.

...we get an expression of a valid feeling or a valid need. Yet we often find a reaction of our child's Nounacceptable. Children are quite capable of strong feelings and quite incapable of articulating them. "Using their words" is hard...except for the one that suffices when they don't know what else to say. No. It's a simple and powerful way to express complicated feelings.

Keep in mind that No is less about defiance and more of an expression of dislike (especially for the under-7 crowd). And since we want to teach our kids that all of their feelings and needs are always OK, we can start by finding their Nos acceptable. This means searching for that translation behind it; articulating and validating it for them.

I know you don't like this, and it needs to get done anyway.You'd rather not; you'd rather keep playing. I understand.It's a hard job, and I'm here to help you.You're angry. It's OK to be mad.You have your own ideas. What would help you get this done?

When it comes to a child's No, take a step back to consider what's behind it. Distance yourself from the defiance. Listen for the translation and give Noa second chance.

Kelly Bartlett is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and a freelance parenting writer with a focus on child development, family relationships and discipline. She is the author of Parenting From Scratch, where she blogs about her family's endeavors in unconditional parenting. (www.parentingfromscratch.wordpress.com)